I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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