My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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