remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
