We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
