I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
