I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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