i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
