Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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