toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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