I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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