you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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