I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
that's an acceptable place to lick
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
