I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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