"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
