Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
