oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i will never coherently bang her
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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