Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
