you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
