just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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