I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
