so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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