i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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