I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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