Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
