I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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