We won't sleep together?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
