I'm going to jail i love you
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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