STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
