My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
