Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
