Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
