Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
