my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
