anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
