Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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