you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
