Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
