I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
