god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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