the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
