it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she looked like the before picture.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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