So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
