Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
