I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
