see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
