i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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