You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
