Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
