God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
