He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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