dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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