Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Four minutes until I can fart!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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